Sunday, 5 November 2017

The Facebook Faces


Sitting in office cab? Waiting for food at restaurant? On the potty seat? At every other place you bow your head these days. I mean, stooping towards your mobile device.

There are only two places where you have to survive without a phone - on a flight and while you bathe.

The other day I was walking up the stairs of a plush skin clinic of our locality and texting at the same time, I actually bumped into the glass door at the entrance and hurt my forehead. The female attendees were aghast and amused at the same time. Eventually, they had to control their laughter, since I was their customer!  

Warning: You may get offended on reading this post, please refrain yourself from reading further if it happens.
Disclaimer This is a satire and aims only to create some fun and is entirely my way of looking at the social media universe, esp. Facebook.

Ques: What is Facebook to me?
Ans: Seeing hundreds of friends doing data entry jobs for free!

Ques: What are Facebook faces?
Ans: Simple, the one that they show you on their profile.
They range from being selectively social, social, excessively social, horribly social, entirely unsocial.

Variety of Activities on Facebook-
1) Posting photos, unlimited photos..
They post an album containing 32 cheesy couple photos behind the tree and in front of the tree. One from this side, other from that side.

Tourism has increased exponentially ever since social media came into picture. Most people go on holidays only to post updates and pictures on social media. This increases pressure on others to plan their vacation better than them, so that they can also broadcast their updates. And the vicious cycle goes on...

Posting photos of a new born baby who was in the mother's womb an hour back, unable to open eyes, syringes stung on its body, still in the incubator. This fellow has already grabbed 148 likes and 56 comments of being cute and innocent and adorable, looks like mom or dad. I wonder if it can ever be otherwise? Does a new born ever look horrible or cunning or hate-able?

2) The DP game -Forgive me girls, but the next big thing is the duck face DP which you finalized after clicking some 20 selfie snaps. No matter what, your face will remain the same.

3) The DSLR guy.. And every person who buys a DSLR assumes himself to be a PHOTOGRAPHER and then creates a photography page, uploads photos of poor hungry people, flowers, clouds, sunset and sunrise. 

4) Quotables -Most annoying is the bombardment of quotes on how they want us to live our life. It feels more like they are pacifying themselves or justifying their being.

5) The FB story of a spy- And then there are people with guest appearances, or call them spy. They come, view your posts, hit like and run away. They do not pain their fingers by typing or posting something.

6) Angels and princesses - Some girls are self proclaimed princess and angels which they show by appending or prepending these words with their Facebook Face's name. For example Angel Pooja, Priya Princess.

7) Facebook groups- If you are not the fortunate one, you will be forcibly added to one of the "all women" group or a community's group. They might sell leggings with matching dupatta or baking classes in the town at discounted price, or performing their daily ritual of wishing good morning with the image of a god at 4:00 AM in the morning.

8) The Marriage Magic -Facebook has this new feature wherein every time I open it, either one of my friend is married, or attending a marriage, has been blessed with a baby or is engaged.

9) The Twitterati Influence- And lately, the non-twitter facebook users have found that posting hash tags will help them appear witty or trendy. Some samples-  #chaiWithFriend  #bestTimeEver #feelingBlessed #blessed  #funTime #fun #happyMe #enjoyedAlot #dreamComeTrue #lyf #mylyf #hubby #bestHubbyEver...
My response- #doYouKnowTheMeaningOfHashTags
#doYouUseThemBecauseEveryoneElseDoes
#bringingTwitterOnFacebookKya
#whoCares.

10) World's Bestest Husband -One amusing kind of stuff I see on birthdays and wedding anniversaries is to read how that friend's kuchiku-swthrt-mmuaah-supporting husband is the "world's bestest husband", on her first birthday with her, and as if she had a dozen more best husbands.

11) Autoplay feature- One horrible feature of facebook is autoplay for videos. Imagine you are secretly peeping into your phone in the office and while you are scrolling, suddenly the audio gets played for one of the videos which is about how to reduce belly fat, or a recipe video on how to prepare besan barfi. You might want to bury your face below the table then!

As they say, social media connects you to folks at a distance from you but distances you from those around you. There has to be a phone-life-balance.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’

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